WHY CAN'T I THINK PINK?

I know about strength in numbers.  I know about the solidarity of a group and representing that group as a whole. Countries are recognized by the colors and symbols of their flags.   I remember our school picnic parades as a kid where each class was assigned a "color" to dress in to stand out, identify, be part of the pride of being in that grade.  We all know that pink is the universally recognized color for breast cancer awareness.  I remember walking in the Komen Race with my family in memory of our mother and seeing the sea of pink and how moving it was.  Why can't I think pink now?  Why can't I embrace the color and its instantly recognized branding?  Is it because I am now part of the club?  A club no one ever wants to be part of?  A club we can only hope will someday be disbanded?

I remember seeing women that I now look exactly like.  They were women I would pass in the grocery store, at a restaurant, the park or simply walking down the street.  They were women who wore the baseball caps that I now wear, the scarves sometimes under them to somehow try to hide those areas that were bald.  We all know they have cancer.  I use to do one of two things.  The first would be to catch her eye and give a small smile of what I hoped came through as encouragement rather than pity.  The second would be to not catch her eye at all so that she could feel "normal" and not be looked at, judged or pitied.  Ah, but I now know the second option was never helpful as you never feel "normal" again.  At least, not for a very long time if ever I suppose.

I see people look at me now that I am bald and wearing my hats.  The weather is "too hot for hair" right now in St Louis so I do  not wear my wig often. I see them look at me exactly the same way as I looked at all those women before me.  Most of the time, I try not to make eye contact as I am not yet a totally comfortable member of the club but every once in awhile I make eye contact.  And when I do, it gives me strength.  I feel like a fighter that must look at fear right in the eyes.   I am surprised at myself that I have gotten quite comfortable so quickly with my new head and its' wardrobe.  But I learned from Jake and my sister that your new "normal" is set for you pretty quickly and you have to get right back up when you are knocked down in order to keep going.

When my mother was fighting her battle, we rarely talked about the cancer.  It was the big pink elephant in the room (god, even that elephant was pink!).  We went to her doctors appts, sat by her hospital bed, watched as her hair fell out but we never TALKED about the cancer.  Pink wasn't even in the picture then.  But now I have an ocean of support and people I can talk to daily if I want to.  How afraid she must have been and didn't vocalize it to anyone that I know of.  I have a list as long as my arm of people I can call and cry with, laugh with, shout with or simply be with.  We have come come along way and I am sure all the dollars donated has made that difference.  And if the color pink helps people make that connection, then it has already done its job.

Maybe I will get use to pink although I don't think so.  I want it to remain my daughter's favorite color without bringing to mind her mother's cancer; I want it to be the color of the roses on the 50 year old rose bush in my neighbor's garden; I want it to be the memory of the bridesmaid dress I wore in my sister's wedding; I want it to be the color of my husband's dress shirt (my favorite); I want it to be the memory of the pink and white checked seersucker dresses that my mom, my sister and I wore one Easter (now a fond memory - at the time not so fond).    Maybe in my lifetime, I can see pink go back to just being the "pink" I had in my life before my diagnosis. Maybe in my lifetime, the club I am now a member of will be disbanded.

 Presley bought me a tshirt to wear to my chemo appts.  It is a white tshirt with pink and brown writing. It says "think pink" on the front in small lettering.   If someone comments on my shirt, I say you must read the back for those are the words that mean everything -
                                                                               
                                                             Supporting the Fighters
                                                              Admiring the Survivors
                                                                Honoring the Taken
                                                        And Never, Ever Giving up Hope

PROS & CONS OF BEING BALD

PROS

Only need one towel to shower
Less money spent on shampoo and product
Less time getting ready in the morning
Guess I can find out who really does have more "fun" - through a blonde or brunette wig (Thanks to Brig for that "pro")
Now when I say "Who loves you baby?" it has much more impact!  (My younger family and friends might need to google that to see what I mean)



CONS

My pjs sometimes get "stuck" on my stubble on the top of my head
Don't know where my face "ends" when putting on my makeup
Need a place to hang all my hats
Spending more money on earrings to go with my new bald look




When the World says, "Give Up", HOPE whispers, "Try it one more time."......unknown author

CHECKING IN

It has been a pretty rough week.  I am finally feeling a little bit "normal" again whatever that will feel like for the next 6 months.  I was prepared to get through the side effects that I initially had with the first chemo but unfortunately the second round sent me some additional things to deal with.  I hate feeling such low energy and foggy but as Mark reminded me this time I had to deal with the drug reaction, subsequent antidote and surgery for the port so it will take a little longer to get on my feet. I just wanted to check in briefly and will hopefully post something more postitive later in the week.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops - at all.            Emily Dickinson

CHEMO 2

Sorry I have been out for a couple of days.  Round Chemo 2 did not go as well as Chemo 1.  Unfortunately, one of the chemo drugs that they hand push through the IV in my arm infilitrated into the surrounding tissue.  This is dangerous as this drug can cause disintegrration of the tissue and scarring which could require plastic surgery.  We didn't notice the seepage until the last of the 3 vials.  They called my oncologist over and she made the determination that a port needed to be put in place for the next 4 rounds of Chemo.  Then, I had to go for three days to receive an antidote to hopfully counteract the seepage into the tissue.  So, there is my update.  Will write more later once I absorb all of this.  Thank god, my sis game me a little boxing glove on Saturday that says "FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN" and that is what I will do.....

Welcome to my blog!   Thanks to my niece, Niki, for encouraging me to to do this and also to Merry for helping with the set up.  So, looks like I am on my way.  Thought this might be easier for all of you to "check in on me" at your convenience.  As most of you know, I had to shave my head on Tuesday.  I awoke to a "nest" of hair on my pillow.  I had already had my hair cut super short which was a shock in itself but then the next step came pretty quickly.  I called Sue right away to ask her to shave it for me.  She didn't hesitate and said she would be right over.  So, Sue and Pres were with me for the big step.  Pres, god love her, was amazing - comforting me when I broke down.  Sue is one of the STRONGEST women I know and got me through each step.  So, it is done.  It is over.  Another step.  I am happy that I at least had reference of the coneheads from Saturday Night live because I could fit right in to that script!  Pres called Mark and told him to give him some warning.  Of course, he was steady and strong and totally not put off by my shaved head.  He told me I looked like Jamie Lee Curtis!  That is why I married that guy!

I was well prepared with scarves, hats and a wig.  I wore a scarve and hat my first day OUT with no hair.  Stopped at the gas station and felt like I had to explain to the guy that I see every morning that I was going through chemo and had to shave my head.  He could have cared LESS!  Another lesson, don't feel like you have to explain everything to everyone!  I have a very supportive group of women that I work with and they all told me how chic I looked which helped.  I none the less felt like I was "dressing up" in a costume for the day and tomorrow I would go back to normal - not the case.  I wasn't able to look at myself in the mirror totally bald since Tuesday but this morning I put my make up on sans hat and I really am getting use to it.  Today, I wore my wig which I had worn a couple of times this week with my short hair.  One of the girls I work with said "Joan, you have a tag sticking out of your hair".  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!  They put TAGS on wigs????  For gods sake, so another lesson.......snip out the tags.  I was so worried that people would know it was a wig and I might as well had a sign on that said "Yes, I'm wearing a wig"......

So, this is my first entry......I think this will be very cathartic for me.  Occassionally, I am sure it will be TMI but you are my friends, my family, my support so I know you will stick with me.  I will play with the fonts and colors later.   I hope to end with an occasional inspirational quote each time from a friend who is sending them to me in her cards.

Pic is of me and my inspiration, Jake!


"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." ....Charles Austin Beard